Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Why Fags Should Love Me

Fags hate me. I don’t know why. I pray for them every night, pleading with Jesus to help them by putting them out of their misery with agonizing deaths. “Make them die slowly!” I plead, eyes gleaming red with ecstacy as I envision their agonized shrieks and blood pouring out of their slashed veins. What could possibly be more Christian?

Plus, my husband Mark has dedicated his life to curing fags of their fagginess, stopping at nothing, literally nothing, to achieve his ends. To try to better understand their filthy, twisted Pagan lifestyle, he has lived as a fag for over 60 years, getting ass raped nightly and returning home dripping with semen spewed from men of all races and species. I’m not kidding, this spunk reeks out of every orifice, and he does it all to cure fags! How Christly is that?

Last Halloween, he even went out into the gay ghetto of Davenport, costumed as a urinal so that all those godless fags could empty their bladders into him, treating him like the human piss receptacle that he so closely resembled. The year before that, he went out dressed as a fully functioning toilet – let’s just say it took him weeks to recover from the hepatitis that followed. Suffering for their sins –how Christly is that?

And Mark doesn’t just try to empathize with the “normal” artsy/upscale fags. No, he has wandered down the darkest alleys of extreme fetish. Without going into too much gory detail, suffice it to say that an extended family of gerbils is living (quite contentedly, I might add) in his anus today. How Christly is that?

So you fucking fruitcake hypocrites, think twice before you criticize me. The Darkie-in-Chief hasn’t even given you gay marriage, but my husband has delivered hard core, nasty-pig orgasms to thousands of you – and that’s just in the last week!

I’m just sayin…

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Clarity on Abortion

There seems to be a little confusion around my stance on abortion, no doubt seeded by the propaganda of a certain polygamist cultist opponent of mine, who shall go unnamed.

First, let me say that abortion should be illegal under all circumstances, with abortionists sentenced to death, without appeal. That’s why those people that bomb abortion clinics and murder Planned Parent employees are my heroes – if I weren’t a candidate for President I would certainly be planting those bombs myself. How’s that for clear, Mitt you motherfucking liar?!

That said, I could certainly see a few isolated circumstances where an expectant mother might want to kill their own fetus, using of course, illegal, back alley means. Such as:
The baby is black: when I found out, last year, that I was carrying a black baby, oh my God, I ripped that thing out of me faster than you can say “Praise the Lord”! But, like a true tea partier, I did not use taxpayer money to do so, and it would be hypocritical to do it in a (still legal) abortion clinic. No, I used the tools of any good Christian and patriot – a bottle of gin and a long, steep spiral staircase.
The baby is gay: I know, what can be more horrific than carrying a monstrous faggot in your uterous? Coincidentally, I also have personal experience with this circumstance. After a coke fueled dalliance at the last RNC, I found myself pregnant, and worse yet, Jesus told me one day that the thing was a fruitcake! I considered carrying the baby to term then having Mark convert it, as he strongly advocated, but I couldn’t bear having that thing grow inside me.
This time, I used a long sharp needle, not because it was more effective, but so that the fetus could experience as much pain as possible in its death throes.
The baby is Satan’s: talk about an experienced politician. This one has happened to me as well, not once but six times! But once again, I shunned taxpayer funded solutions and aborted in accordance with Biblical liturgy in circumstances like this. The satanic fetuses could only be effectively aborted when accompanied by the sacrifice of a human soul. So I killed two birds with one stone: saving the world from six of Satan’s children and offing half a dozen Mexicans in the bargain.

How’s that for #sensibleideasforsensibleAmericans?

I’m just sayin’…

Gabrielle Giffords Deserved What She Got

I ran into Gabrielle Giffords the other day in Congress, with her stupid short hair and exaggerated “limp”. I really tried to be cordial, but I have to say, I am so sick and tired of all these liberals calling her “brave” and “admiring her spirit”. And not a kind word about the other party in this event, Jared Loughner – the Democrats call themselves uniters, but in this case they seem to have (conveniently) forgotten that there are two sides to every story?
So, as usual, it’s up to the Republicans to set the record straight. Starting as always, with me, just about the only straight shooter you’ll find in Congress. With that in mind, I’ll just say what you all are thinking: the bitch had it coming. Here’s why:
• Mostly, Giffords was known as a “moderate” in Congress. Translation: fascist cunt who wants to take your earnings, your rights, and your guns. Jesus knew this full well and sent Loughner in to show her what he thinks of her “progressive” tax code ideas.
• This whole thing could have been avoided had it not been for Gifford’s absurd views on gun control – Giffords believes in socialist ideas like waiting periods, and keeping guns out of the hands of the criminally insane. But I have long agitated for guns for all, even suggesting that children under the age of 5 should be able to buy automatic weapons out of vending machines. If my three year old were in the audience that day in Arizona, he could have taken Loughner out in seconds. I would have stopped him from doing so, of course, but that’s beside the point.
• Finally, Giffords' goody two shoes act was getting old and it was just a matter of time before someone get fed up and took her out. Honestly, have you sat through one of her speeches? I was ready to shoot myself in the head, fortunately JL spared me the trouble.

It’s not that I necessarily advocate political assassinations, they should clearly only be used as a last resort and even then, sparingly. But, if politicians were just a little bit more like me and Jesus, we wouldn’t need gun toting lunatics like Jared Loughner in the first place.

I’m just sayin’…

Why I Like the Westboro Church Folks

I don’t know why everyone is making such a fuss about these Westboro church people, the ones that protest at military funerals. I think they have a good point- of course Jesus killed these cowards, over their tacit acceptance of homosexuality. In fact, I’m pretty fed up with our military. First we had "don’t ask don’t tell", and now there’s nothing at all to prevent a marine from sucking off his sergeant nightly, a situation my husband Mark has agonized over many a time – in fact, he even subscribes a website that re-enacts this dangerous and abhorrent scenario and views it nightly.
As far as I’m concerned, our “boys” in Iraq and Kazhakstan deserve everything they get, up to and including being blown to bits by some swarthy towelhead. I can’t be seen with my Westboro brothers and sisters for political reasons, but believe you me, I express my disgust even more vividly than they do. Sometimes, late at night, I’ll break into Arlington National Cemetery, did up a few heathen military corpses, and piss and shit all over them. Sometime I’ll even fuck some random guy atop a military corpse, just to show even more disrespect. I especially love doing this to black corpses, those porch monkeys shouldn’t even be buried in a white cemetery to begin with!

Anyway, as commander in chief, I plan to make a few changes to our military. Bar fags from serving? Haha, it’s far too late for those pagans to redeem themselves with that. No, I intend to get full revenge for their disgusting liberal policies, sending them into hopeless battles all over the world, where they will hopefully die by the thousands. "W" did this proudly, and I fully plan to continue his grand tradition of destoying our military through vengeful sabotage.

I’m just sayin’…

Why Hitler was a Better Leader than Obama

Some people, especially in the Tea Party, compare Obama to Hitler. This comparison sickens me, as I find it to be an insult to Hitler. Although of course it’s still up in the air as to whether the holocaust actually happened, let’s say for argument’s sake that it did – if so, I’d say America would be a lot better off if Hitler were at the helm vs. that porch monkey we currently have in the White House. Let’s document the ways, shall we?
1. Hitler managed to grow the German economy without raising taxes: unlike our current Jigaboo in Chief, Hitler pulled Germany out of a recession without once raising taxes. Obama says that we need “shared sacrifice”, but Hitler managed to deliver a surplus without asking a thing of his people.
2. Hitler raised money the old fashioned way: by invading neighboring countries and plundering their wealth. That’s why my first action as President would be to invade Canada, Mexico, then down to Costa Rica, Cuba, and whatever the hell else is down there. It’s amazing what you can squeeze out of supposedly “poor” countries. Poland was supposed to be poor, yet Mark and I recently acquired a million dollar painting confiscated by Nazi troops there in 1939, as well as a smart lamp made of the skin of some rare animal that once roamed there.
3. Obama delivers billions in aid to loser countries, ignoring the ones with real power. Hitler knew he had a friend in fascist Italy and war mongering Japan. Let’s face it, really mean countries, the ones that threaten the planet and subjugate their own people, are like the cool kids in the high school cafeteria. Everyone wants to be their friend. That’s why I would immediately merge our military with global “mean girls” like North Korea and Iran. It’s funny, I used to get so turned on in Jr. High by the school yard bully, that whenever he beat up some fag I found myself rushing to the Little Girls room to finger myself into a shattering pubescent orgasm. As President, I promise to still be that sexually confused and self loathing teen, and conduct foreign policy accordingly.

Some Tea Party members go to rallies with signs drawing Obama with a Hitler mustache. Perhaps this is less a protest than a kind of wishful thinking. Food for thought, isn’t it?

I'm just sayin'...