There seems to be a little confusion around my stance on abortion, no doubt seeded by the propaganda of a certain polygamist cultist opponent of mine, who shall go unnamed.
First, let me say that abortion should be illegal under all circumstances, with abortionists sentenced to death, without appeal. That’s why those people that bomb abortion clinics and murder Planned Parent employees are my heroes – if I weren’t a candidate for President I would certainly be planting those bombs myself. How’s that for clear, Mitt you motherfucking liar?!
That said, I could certainly see a few isolated circumstances where an expectant mother might want to kill their own fetus, using of course, illegal, back alley means. Such as:
• The baby is black: when I found out, last year, that I was carrying a black baby, oh my God, I ripped that thing out of me faster than you can say “Praise the Lord”! But, like a true tea partier, I did not use taxpayer money to do so, and it would be hypocritical to do it in a (still legal) abortion clinic. No, I used the tools of any good Christian and patriot – a bottle of gin and a long, steep spiral staircase.
• The baby is gay: I know, what can be more horrific than carrying a monstrous faggot in your uterous? Coincidentally, I also have personal experience with this circumstance. After a coke fueled dalliance at the last RNC, I found myself pregnant, and worse yet, Jesus told me one day that the thing was a fruitcake! I considered carrying the baby to term then having Mark convert it, as he strongly advocated, but I couldn’t bear having that thing grow inside me.
This time, I used a long sharp needle, not because it was more effective, but so that the fetus could experience as much pain as possible in its death throes.
• The baby is Satan’s: talk about an experienced politician. This one has happened to me as well, not once but six times! But once again, I shunned taxpayer funded solutions and aborted in accordance with Biblical liturgy in circumstances like this. The satanic fetuses could only be effectively aborted when accompanied by the sacrifice of a human soul. So I killed two birds with one stone: saving the world from six of Satan’s children and offing half a dozen Mexicans in the bargain.
First, let me say that abortion should be illegal under all circumstances, with abortionists sentenced to death, without appeal. That’s why those people that bomb abortion clinics and murder Planned Parent employees are my heroes – if I weren’t a candidate for President I would certainly be planting those bombs myself. How’s that for clear, Mitt you motherfucking liar?!
That said, I could certainly see a few isolated circumstances where an expectant mother might want to kill their own fetus, using of course, illegal, back alley means. Such as:
• The baby is black: when I found out, last year, that I was carrying a black baby, oh my God, I ripped that thing out of me faster than you can say “Praise the Lord”! But, like a true tea partier, I did not use taxpayer money to do so, and it would be hypocritical to do it in a (still legal) abortion clinic. No, I used the tools of any good Christian and patriot – a bottle of gin and a long, steep spiral staircase.
• The baby is gay: I know, what can be more horrific than carrying a monstrous faggot in your uterous? Coincidentally, I also have personal experience with this circumstance. After a coke fueled dalliance at the last RNC, I found myself pregnant, and worse yet, Jesus told me one day that the thing was a fruitcake! I considered carrying the baby to term then having Mark convert it, as he strongly advocated, but I couldn’t bear having that thing grow inside me.
This time, I used a long sharp needle, not because it was more effective, but so that the fetus could experience as much pain as possible in its death throes.
• The baby is Satan’s: talk about an experienced politician. This one has happened to me as well, not once but six times! But once again, I shunned taxpayer funded solutions and aborted in accordance with Biblical liturgy in circumstances like this. The satanic fetuses could only be effectively aborted when accompanied by the sacrifice of a human soul. So I killed two birds with one stone: saving the world from six of Satan’s children and offing half a dozen Mexicans in the bargain.
How’s that for #sensibleideasforsensibleAmericans?
I’m just sayin’…
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